Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
