why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
