Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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