They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
