i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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