Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
