those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
