Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
