For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
