tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
