Moan for me like Helen Keller
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Someone signed my nipple.
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