shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
