she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just pynch a tree in the face
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
