the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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