I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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