she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
