I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
