I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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