just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
