Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
