Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
