I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
