I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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