she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
