The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
