my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
