Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
