I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
