In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
