All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
