FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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