found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
