i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
