And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
