You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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