Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
