It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
