watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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