shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
