i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
