Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
