It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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