Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
