I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
