Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
