It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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