Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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