Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
