Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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