i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
